MANCHESTER · FOOTBALL VERDICT SUPPORT SERVICES / AN INDEPENDENT FOOTBALL SATIRE
Whatever side you’re on, somebody’s having a difficult day.
115 CASE STATUS
COMMISSION
VERDICT PUBLISHED
SANCTION
PENDING
APPEAL
ONGOING / PENDING
STATUS LAST UPDATED: TO BE CONFIRMED
01 / AN UNOFFICIAL SERVICE
Whether you’re celebrating, raging, appealing, backtracking or pretending you never cared in the first place, we’re here to help you through it.
OUR MISSION
To restore perspective, reduce unnecessary legal commentary and encourage supporters everywhere to remember that none of us actually sat through the hearing.
EST. AFTER FAR TOO MANY YEARS OF TALKING ABOUT 115
02 / PUBLIC INFORMATION NOTICE
Verdict exposure can affect supporters differently.
01 /
SUDDEN LEGAL EXPERTISE
You last studied law during a Twitter thread but are now confidently explaining evidential standards to strangers.
02 /
COMPULSIVE USE OF “APPEAL”
You have mentioned the word appeal seventeen times before breakfast.
03 /
MOVING THE GOALPOSTS
The result you spent years waiting for has arrived, but apparently that wasn’t the important bit after all.
04 /
HISTORIC POST ANXIETY
You are quietly scrolling back through four years of tweets wondering what can still be deleted.
05 /
GROUP CHAT INSTABILITY
WhatsApp notifications have reached medically inadvisable levels.
06 /
SELECTIVE READING
You have successfully located the one paragraph that confirms everything you already believed.
IF YOU RECOGNISE THREE OR MORE OF THESE SYMPTOMS, SUPPORT MAY BE REQUIRED.
03 / NO SIDE IS SAFE
POSSIBLE SYMPTOMS INCLUDE: Appeal fatigue · Media avoidance · Procedural argument dependency · Compulsive screenshot analysis
POSSIBLE SYMPTOMS INCLUDE: Premature celebration · Sanction fixation · Historic tweet exposure · Asterisk withdrawal
04 / AVAILABLE SERVICES
Select the service that best reflects your current condition.
01 / SERVICE
GROUP CHAT RECOVERY
For supporters who opened WhatsApp and immediately regretted it.
02 / SERVICE
SOCIAL MEDIA DETOX
For anyone currently replying to people they’ve never met about accounting regulations.
03 / SERVICE
VERDICT INTERPRETATION SUPPORT
You read the headline. Someone else read a thread. Neither of you read the decision.
04 / SERVICE
POSTING TOO SOON
You made a bold statement before reading past paragraph three.
05 / SELF-SERVICE DESK
Choose the statement that best describes your current situation.
I POSTED TOO SOON
I CAN’T STOP ARGUING
I’VE BECOME A BARRISTER
MY GROUP CHAT IS UNBEARABLE
RESULTS ARE FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. THIS IS NOT A GENUINE HELPLINE.
115 / CERTIFICATE OF RECOVERY / UNOFFICIAL
Successfully made it through another day of football discourse? Officially document your progress.
GET MY CERTIFICATE
115 Helpline works best when shared irresponsibly with friends.
SHARE ON WHATSAPP
SHARE ON X
COPY LINK
Officially unofficial apparel for supporters experiencing difficult footballing moments.
MERCH COMING SOON
The rest of this website is satire. This bit isn’t.
FOOTBALL VERDICT SUPPORT SERVICES · MANCHESTER · EST. 2023
115 Helpline is an independent football satire project. It is not a genuine helpline and does not provide mental-health, legal or financial advice. 115 Helpline is not affiliated with, endorsed by or connected to Manchester City Football Club, the Premier League, Oasis or any other football club, governing body, artist or organisation.